The daughter, and only child, of one of my favorite authors, Pam Grout, recently died at age 25. I read the news on her blog while lying next to my two year old daughter as she just fell asleep for nap time. It has shaken me in a deep way.
I don’t know Pam at all, but she feels like a close friend and beacon in the movement of awakening. I’ve read several of her books and her blog is the only one I subscribe to since my recent technology cleanse, because I just couldn’t let it go. I love it and look forward to her words of hope and truth. If you’ve never read her books, start with E Squared, it’s my favorite and a New York Times bestseller. She has such an easy flowing, personable, funny, witty writing style. It’s light and deep at the same time, which is not always easy to balance. You can’t help but feel like you know her.
So why has this shaken me so powerfully? Death reminds us that we are guaranteed nothing, not even the next breath. It’s when things like this happen that we must admit that we don’t know anything about the way the universe works, and we have no control over it. People die every second for inexplicable reasons. We can ask why did this happen, why her, why now? We will never know. Why does anything happen at all?
The mind will say, God has a plan for this pain, to make itself feel better because it’s the only way it can make sense of tragedy. But really, there is no plan. Everything is spontaneously arising. That’s too scary for the mind to believe because then it can’t calculate all the risks and avoid every pitfall, which is what it’s designed to do for survival. At some point though, it must admit it’s only choice: surrender to the natural flow of Life where literally anything could happen at anytime. But at the same time, where everything is eternally okay. One of Pam’s favorite phrases is, It’s okay. No matter what, it’s okay. Death, pain, grief, all okay. And she will be okay as well. I wonder if her belief has wavered? I doubt it.
I often think, if my children were to die, what would matter at all? Not much. Certainly not all the worry over triviality that consumes our lives now. What would be left is all that matters now too – awakening to Truth, love, connecting with others. Adyashanti says, “Be an emissary of love. We are transmitting consciousness to each other.” So Pam, I’m sending love to you….
“Possibly the only fear greater than death is love, real love. Finding out that you do love, that this is your nature, is the beginning of the end for everything in you that thinks it is separate.” Adyashanti in Emptiness Dancing